Thank you for all of it

This one is a bit more personal than what I typically post here. Happy Father’s Day.

Thank you for deciding to have kids anyway, even though you were scared. Thank you for worrying about how you would teach me God didn’t exist. Thank you for finding new faith in a rainstorm. Thank you for letting me fall asleep on you a thousand times. Thank you for playing dolls, and reading books, and letting me put my desk by you so we could work together.

Thank you for teaching me how to make a ponytail. Thank you for telling me I was beautiful because my forehead looked smart. Thank you for passing out in the driveway because you were too drunk to make it into the house. Thank you for teaching me kindness.

Thank you for teaching me how to do math. Thank you for running spelling bees in our kitchen. Thank you for showing me that dishwashers only sterilize, they don’t wash. Thank you for taking me to feed the ducks. Thank you for pushing me on the swings. Thank you for slamming your drunken foot into the phone to hang up on my friend. Thank you for taking me to the library.

Thank you for keeping the lock of hair that remained when you cut out a piece of gum that was stuck. Thank you for letting me walk to school on my own and secretly following me in your car to make sure I was safe. Thank you for teaching me to swim. Thank you for telling me a lot of things I definitely wasn’t ready to hear. Thank you for leaving me alone when I needed guidance, because you valued independence.

Thank you for telling me to always do what I think is right, regardless of external influence. Thank you for carrying me out of the drugstore when my stomach hurt and holding me closer when I threw up all over you. Thank you for making me mac and cheese when I was sick, and for making it again when the first one got cold. Thank you for teaching me to hustle pool.

Thank you for taking me to feed the unhoused folks in our town. Thank you for teaching me how to dumpster dive in case I ever got hungry. Thank you for teaching me to run a con. Thank you for teaching me how to make grilled cheese.

Thank you for grounding me by taking my books away. Thank you for teaching me to lie. Thank you for talking to me about sex, and making it safe for me to talk to you about sex. Thank you for cheering me on at every game, every band performance, every victory of my life.

Thank you for walking out on us in the middle of the night. Thank you for leaving me holding the bag. Thank you for making my mom’s pain my responsibility when I was too young to know that was impossible. Thank you for trying to get absolution before you were sorry.

Thank you for choosing your new wife over your daughter. Thank you for deciding I was grown up before I was.

Thank you for figuring out that was a mistake. Thank you for calling at 2am to say you’re sorry, you’re so sorry.

Thank you for teaching me what love should be, and what love should never be.

Thank you for becoming my friend as an adult. Thank you for writing me letters and sending me comics and sending me rocks and sending me books. Thank you for never quite forgetting me even when Alzheimer’s took your mind. Thank you for inexplicably filling me with sunlight the day you died. Thank you for for every breathless sobbing night that followed. Thank you for teaching me how to grieve.

I wish I could tell you who I became. But then, you should know. You taught me all of it.

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